I’ve had many addictions over the years.
It started from little things like coffee.
Then turned into more sinister things. Like resentment. Resentment against everyone who had all the things that I didn’t. How she had it easy, or how he never had to face the problems I had. And it became my comfort in failure. I could fail, because it wasn’t my fault that I failed, it was life that treated me unfairly.
Then came the guilt. Guilty, that I wasn’t nice enough, guilty that I didn’t pray enough, guilty that I wasn’t a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. Years and years of mistakes and screwing up meant I had failed to live up to my bargain of perfect.
And then came my worse addiction of all, you. It was beautiful at first, it always is. I was happy and you were happy, it was so easy to fall in love with you, you were everything I had ever wanted in a person, and more. My beautiful perfection. We were so suited for each other, that in my mind, I never even considered the possibility that things wouldn’t work out. And yet, that is exactly what happened. And like a drug addict, I was already hooked. I craved you, I wanted you. So badly. I ached for you. The love you once used to give me for free, now no matter what price I paid, I could no longer afford you. and then came the nights. Of missing you. The fear. Of waking up. Without you.
And every other insecurity I had, came crashing down too. The resentment, how life is so unfair that I can’t have you. The guilt, that I wasn’t good enough for you. I lost everything to you.
But one day, in the middle of being shrouded in the grief of losing you, I picked up the pieces of me that were still left. The exact moment I broke away from my addiction was when I allowed myself to break for you. I welcomed the pain, the ache. the grief, the fear and horror of not having you. And it was when I did that, bit by bit, I could sit on the roor and embrace my thoughts of you.
You see, everyone always says “move on”. But I could never use that to describe you. I didn’t move on from you, I had to overcome you. I didn’t just get over you, I survived you.