I’ve had many addictions over the years.

I’ve had many addictions over the years.

It started from little things like coffee.

Then turned into more sinister things. Like resentment. Resentment against everyone who had all the things that I didn’t. How she had it easy, or how he never had to face the problems I had. And it became my comfort in failure. I could fail, because it wasn’t my fault that I failed, it was life that treated me unfairly.

Then came the guilt. Guilty, that I wasn’t nice enough, guilty that I didn’t pray enough, guilty that I wasn’t a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. Years and years of mistakes and screwing up meant I had failed to live up to my bargain of perfect.

And then came my worse addiction of all, you. It was beautiful at first, it always is. I was happy and you were happy, it was so easy to fall in love with you, you were everything I had ever wanted in a person, and more. My beautiful perfection. We were so suited for each other, that in my mind, I never even considered the possibility that things wouldn’t work out. And yet, that is exactly what happened. And like a drug addict, I was already hooked. I craved you, I wanted you. So badly. I ached for you. The love you once used to give me for free, now no matter what price I paid, I could no longer afford you. and then came the nights. Of missing you. The fear. Of waking up. Without you.

And every other insecurity I had, came crashing down too. The resentment, how life is so unfair that I can’t have you. The guilt, that I wasn’t good enough for you. I lost everything to you.

But one day, in the middle of being shrouded in the grief of losing you, I picked up the pieces of me that were still left. The exact moment I broke away from my addiction was when I allowed myself to break for you. I welcomed the pain, the ache. the grief, the fear and horror of not having you. And it was when I did that, bit by bit, I could sit on the roor and embrace my thoughts of you.

You see, everyone always says “move on”. But I could never use that to describe you. I didn’t move on from you, I had to overcome you. I didn’t just get over you, I survived you.

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